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“Don’t Throw Your Poop” And Other Things We Now Say As Parents

A few weeks ago my 2-year-old was playing on our bed and her diaper happened to be twisted just so that half a butt cheek was out. I had pulled it back into place, but I’m betting it didn’t stay because when I checked on her next there was poop on the bed. YES. A giant turd and some smaller pieces scattered in the sheets. I just burst out laughing, because of course that happened and then I texted my husband: “Your daughter just shit the bed. Thank God it was a solid turd so the cleanup was easy!” Oh the things no one tells you about when you’re becoming a parent. Life with kids is crazy and you find yourself saying some pretty absurd, albeit when looking back hilarious, things. Other parents share the funny and ridiculous snippets they’ve said below:

1. I told my husband the other day, “Please don’t feed him beets today, it scares the nanny when she sees that much bright red poop.”

2. “No I didn’t cut it off! I never had one,” when talking to my son about why I don’t have a penis. I have three sons, so other gems include: “Why are you smelling his butt?” and “Don’t lick your brother’s toe.”

3. I’ve had to tell my almost 2-year-old, “We don’t throw our poop.”

4. My daughter is a poor eater, so I’ve been telling her lately, “They’ll be checking height and weight at kindergarten, so if you don’t eat you may not be able to join the class come September.”

5. So our current thing is, “Well at least she’s not eating chalk!”

6. My 2-year-old pooped in the bathtub and got really upset. She began crying and screaming and wanted to get out immediately. I said, “I should be the one screaming. I’m the one who has to clean it up!”

7. I remember being so desperate for my daughter to burp or fart when she was 3-months-old and had gas pain. I would turn to my husband and say, “Did you hear that fart?” Totally hearing phantom farts because I was wishing to hear them so badly.

8. “We don’t touch our brother’s privates,” comes to mind.

9. At one pediatrician appointment, I was freaked out about what I thought were parasites in my daughter’s poop. Turns out what I was looking at were halved blueberries that she just wasn’t chewing very much before swallowing.

10. I once told my daughter, “Not to put on your brother’s athletic cup — vaginas aren’t protected like a penis… Okay stop crying, mommy will see if she can find one for you.”

Ravelle Worthington is a wife, momma of three, and the founder of Mommy Brain. Follow her on Instagram here.

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By Mommy Brain, July 27, 2018
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